An open letter

To the punk who stole my bike:

I doubt that you can read, but if you can, here are some things you should know about the bike you just stole:

• Be gentle. I'm sure you've noticed right now, but the creaking noise that accompanies each pedal stroke is a sign that the crank is almost rusted through.
• Don't try to shift gears. It won't work.
• Go take it for a long ride. In the 10 years that I owned that bike, it only made it outside the city a dozen or so times, and even then only 15 km or so.
• Please don't give it back. It's been an hour and I'm finished grieving. However, I wouldn't mind if the fender and the bell somehow made it back to me, since those represent the only investment I've made in that bike in the last 3 or 4 years.
• That bike likes to be free. I didn't often lock it up, which is probably why you chose to steal it in the first place.
• If you're going to sell it for parts, the front wheel is really the only thing of any value. The chain and gears are rusted beyond all hope, the frame is headed that way, the crank isn't doing so great either, and the back wheel and tire don't really get along, leading to a bumpy ride.
• Did you know you're kind of a lowlife?
  

I hope you're happy with your choice.

[Bicycle pictured is not the one that was stolen. The pictured bike and I enjoyed 6 beautiful months together, but I had to leave it for somebody else.]